Mission Accomplished.

On Sunday, I was able to cross of a major goal on my "Big Plans" list.

1. law school graduation
2. taking (and passing) the bar
3. moving to Portland, (OR) (!!!)

I have finally graduated from law school!

Three years ago, I made a rather crazy decision to move from the Bay Area to Chicago with my 2 year old and start law school full-time. Over these past three years, I have felt overwhelmed and overjoyed, challenged and bored, exhausted and elated. Needless to say, it has been no walk in the park.

But I am also super excited. I feel like Superwoman. I can do anything! I know that this feeling will soon wane, but for the moment, I am going to milk it as long as I can. I am feeling creative and hopeful. And as silly as this may sound, I feel like a real grown-up.

Yet, there is a dismaying feeling though that the fact that I have proven to myself and others that I can do anything means that there are no more excuses. I cannot tell myself that I cannot do something because I'm a single mother. There is no longer a safety net of self-pity. Oddly enough, that is quite scary. But at the same time, it is empowering. That lofty dream of being a solo practioner? Not so far fetched anymore. Testing out the waters in the dating pool? Just might try it. Homeschooling? Absolutely! Having another kid? You betcha, when the stars align, AB's gonna be a big sister...eventually. :-)

I like to think that I have grown over the past three years. I am smarter and more confident. I have closed the door on past mistakes and dropped the baggage associated with those errors in judgement, but retained the all important lessons that came with the experience. I definitely feel that I am a better mom and overall a better person.

I am a law school graduate with an adorable 5 year old who is ready for kindergarten. She: reads, writes, counts to 100, skips, sings, speaks Spanish, identifies various flowers, has an insanely good memory, and is more amazing than I ever imagined. I feel like the walking definition of "blessed".

Mission Law School: Accomplished.

You Can't Take It With You.

Early last month, the mom of one of AB's classmates said to me, "Everytime I see her she's smiling. She's such a happy kid. Is she like that all the time?" I thought about it and could honestly answer that about 90% of the time, she is a happy kid. I had never thought about it before, but I am blessed to have a kid with such a sweet disposition. I think that it is easy to focus on the times when our children misbehave. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty as charged in that regard. But this comment made me proud that despite the "situation", I am successfully raising a happy, considerate, well-adjusted kid.


However, this realization has made her moments of sadness into little daggers that pierce straight through to my heart. Over the past 5 semesters, I have been away from AB due to evening obligations no more than a handful of times. It was a very rare occassion indeed. However, this semester, my final semester, I have not been so lucky. I have two evening classes. Therefore, I am away from the kiddo for two evenings a week and she is asleep by the time I get home. Meaning, there are two nights a week where I am not putting my child to sleep. Meaning, there are two nights a week when my child is as sad as sad can be because I am leaving. Meaning, there are (at least) two nights a week where I feel like a bad mother. I feel so bad for the poor babysitter who more often than not is left with a grief-stricken child with tears streaming down her face.


After the first couple of weeks I just had to leave my mommy guilt at the door. Why? Because carrying it around with me to, during, and from class would be absolute torture. Because it would not change a thing (hello, required courses). Because she can count on the fact that I will always be there when she wakes up, be it in the middle of the night or the next morning. Because the end is in sight. Because the world will not end.

Big Plans.

The three most major things planned for 2011:

1. law school graduation
2. taking (and passing) the bar 
3. moving to Portland, OR (!!!)

So excited.

Successfully.

A few years back when I was starting the ball rolling with this whole law school thing, I told myself that I was just going to be focused on getting accepted to a school and worry about the logistics of it later. Then I  actually got into law school and had a panic attack where I was completely overwhelmed and convinced that I had bitten of more than I can chew. Who in their right mind moves to a brand new city with no job and no support network to start graduate school full-time with a toddler in tow? How in the world was I going to do this? I blogged about it and a friend commented with one word that has stuck with me over the past three years -  "successfully".

The end is in sight. Now it is time to start thinking about the next step. AB will soon be 5 years old and graduating from Pre-K, ready for the next adventure. I have proven to myself that motherhood really does suit me. It's not a fluke. I'm a good mom. I've got a great kid. She is better for my having taken this gigantic risk even though I have stumbled a lot. But all in all come next May when I have my diploma in one hand and my smiling girl in the other, I know that I will have completed this journey.

Successfully.

Tickle Monster.

"I'd like to talk about something for a little bit."

That is AB's new line. When she says this it means that she is wants my undivided attention about whatever she is wanting to talk about. I gladly oblige. When she is through with her desired topic, she simply says, "I'm done talking about it. I want to do something else now." So, I must let it go.

Letting it go is hard, especially now that 5 years old is on the horizon, I find that she's got some interesting things on her mind. (My favorite question from yesterday, "Why do we have faces?") Her incredible memory  enhances my fascination with her thoughts. (She still recalls the flavor of lollipop she got when she went with my mother to the barbershop...10 months ago.)

Earlier this week, she wanted to talk about her dad. I took a deep breath, gave myself a quick internal pep talk about allowing her to express her feelings and not injecting any judgments of my own, and settled in. She gave an overview of things she remembered about him, things they had done together, things we did as a family, things that he had done. Unfortunately, there was more bad than good. Then she said that she didn't like him. "I love him because he is my daddy, but I don't like him because he's mean." Before I could respond she asked me if I liked him.

Well, crap. The short answer is no, but I can't tell my kid that. So I said, "Of course, because without him, I wouldn't have you." *Tickle, tickle* She collapses into laughter, states that she is done talking about him and just wants me to keep tickling her. Fine by me. But not, because I want to know what she is thinking and how she feels about her father not being in her life and if she thinks that I am scarring her for life by raising her alone.  However, I think I'll be okay playing ostrich about it for a little while longer.

I knew that this moment was going to come. There will be many more moments and I will have to come up with better answers, because tickling my way out of it is not going to last for very long.

Fighting the Brattiness.

There have been two words that have recurred in my journal entries of late.

Restless. Exhausted.

I have been back in school for a little over a month now and all of my good intentions and plans have completely dissipated. They never really even really took flight.  The lax of summer stuck around for the business of fall and the result is not pretty. The result is I find AB, through no fault of her own, slipping into some brat-like tendencies.

I take full responsibility for this behavior.  I give into the whines and screams. I live in fear of the screams. Why? Because, my inner critic and a good part of the childless society say that screams mean that you're a bad parent who can't control your kid. I know it is not true, but in the heat of the moment, I just want it to be over and done with and move on to something else.

That's the problem.

I recognize the behavior I abhor in her in my own everyday actions. Except, I just skip the tantrum/whiny part and buy what I want. I am constantly justifying this or that indulgence. When I look back at this behavior over the past few weeks, I realize that  I am definitely enabling my own brattiness (and by extension AB's brattiness). Ultimately, it is preventing me from getting the quality things that I truly desire. (i.e. If I planned instead of falling into the "convenience" purchases, I would have those coveted Bass Weejuns on my feet right now. )

So what to do?

The first step to breaking this horrible routine is to walk a new way, both literally and figuratively.

Literally:  Out of sight out of mind. Therefore, we will not be walking past that store that screams out "I'm convenient and I have tasty treats!". Why even risk the temptation? Will it add on a little bit of time to our commute home? Yes. But taking a walk with my kid and talking about her day is not going to kill me. Part of her behavior is is for pure attention. I mean, she is battling with Law School.

Figuratively: Why am I continuing to fall into the pattern, what is it that I am searching for? The ease. The convenience. But it is fleeting. And it doesn't  make anything easier.  The "gimmes" on both of our parts stem from my desire to get to my destination quickly, be it school, work, home, or bedtime. I want it over and done with, under the guise that if it is done quickly, then I am saving time. Well, not really, because in reality,  that time I supposedly saved is then spent dealing with a tantrum. Out of this insane desire for convenience, I make things so much more difficult and as a result, we have lost our positive structure. Instead, we have a negative structure that is based on rushing and exhaustion (which leads to lazy habits).

Alas, we are a work in progress.

The Murakami Challenge.

I feel compelled to read all of Haruki Murakami's fiction. I fell for him this summer and I do believe I have made a nice dent in the list (in no particular order).

1. Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World
2. A Wild Sheep Chase
3. The Elephant Vanishes
4. Dance Dance Dance
5. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
6. South of the Border, West of the Sun
7. Kafka on the Shore
8. Norwegian Wood
9. Sputnik Sweetheart
10. After Dark
11. Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman
12. After the Quake

This is quickly becoming an obsession. Sometimes Murakami Land is just so much more interesting than reality.

Goal: Finish the list by Christmas.
Prize: A brand spanking new copy of the one I love the most.

Nerdtastic.