"I'd like to talk about something for a little bit."
That is AB's new line. When she says this it means that she is wants my undivided attention about whatever she is wanting to talk about. I gladly oblige. When she is through with her desired topic, she simply says, "I'm done talking about it. I want to do something else now." So, I must let it go.
Letting it go is hard, especially now that 5 years old is on the horizon, I find that she's got some interesting things on her mind. (My favorite question from yesterday, "Why do we have faces?") Her incredible memory enhances my fascination with her thoughts. (She still recalls the flavor of lollipop she got when she went with my mother to the barbershop...10 months ago.)
Earlier this week, she wanted to talk about her dad. I took a deep breath, gave myself a quick internal pep talk about allowing her to express her feelings and not injecting any judgments of my own, and settled in. She gave an overview of things she remembered about him, things they had done together, things we did as a family, things that he had done. Unfortunately, there was more bad than good. Then she said that she didn't like him. "I love him because he is my daddy, but I don't like him because he's mean." Before I could respond she asked me if I liked him.
Well, crap. The short answer is no, but I can't tell my kid that. So I said, "Of course, because without him, I wouldn't have you." *Tickle, tickle* She collapses into laughter, states that she is done talking about him and just wants me to keep tickling her. Fine by me. But not, because I want to know what she is thinking and how she feels about her father not being in her life and if she thinks that I am scarring her for life by raising her alone. However, I think I'll be okay playing ostrich about it for a little while longer.
I knew that this moment was going to come. There will be many more moments and I will have to come up with better answers, because tickling my way out of it is not going to last for very long.
