Mission Accomplished.

On Sunday, I was able to cross of a major goal on my "Big Plans" list.

1. law school graduation
2. taking (and passing) the bar
3. moving to Portland, (OR) (!!!)

I have finally graduated from law school!

Three years ago, I made a rather crazy decision to move from the Bay Area to Chicago with my 2 year old and start law school full-time. Over these past three years, I have felt overwhelmed and overjoyed, challenged and bored, exhausted and elated. Needless to say, it has been no walk in the park.

But I am also super excited. I feel like Superwoman. I can do anything! I know that this feeling will soon wane, but for the moment, I am going to milk it as long as I can. I am feeling creative and hopeful. And as silly as this may sound, I feel like a real grown-up.

Yet, there is a dismaying feeling though that the fact that I have proven to myself and others that I can do anything means that there are no more excuses. I cannot tell myself that I cannot do something because I'm a single mother. There is no longer a safety net of self-pity. Oddly enough, that is quite scary. But at the same time, it is empowering. That lofty dream of being a solo practioner? Not so far fetched anymore. Testing out the waters in the dating pool? Just might try it. Homeschooling? Absolutely! Having another kid? You betcha, when the stars align, AB's gonna be a big sister...eventually. :-)

I like to think that I have grown over the past three years. I am smarter and more confident. I have closed the door on past mistakes and dropped the baggage associated with those errors in judgement, but retained the all important lessons that came with the experience. I definitely feel that I am a better mom and overall a better person.

I am a law school graduate with an adorable 5 year old who is ready for kindergarten. She: reads, writes, counts to 100, skips, sings, speaks Spanish, identifies various flowers, has an insanely good memory, and is more amazing than I ever imagined. I feel like the walking definition of "blessed".

Mission Law School: Accomplished.

You Can't Take It With You.

Early last month, the mom of one of AB's classmates said to me, "Everytime I see her she's smiling. She's such a happy kid. Is she like that all the time?" I thought about it and could honestly answer that about 90% of the time, she is a happy kid. I had never thought about it before, but I am blessed to have a kid with such a sweet disposition. I think that it is easy to focus on the times when our children misbehave. I will be the first to admit that I am guilty as charged in that regard. But this comment made me proud that despite the "situation", I am successfully raising a happy, considerate, well-adjusted kid.


However, this realization has made her moments of sadness into little daggers that pierce straight through to my heart. Over the past 5 semesters, I have been away from AB due to evening obligations no more than a handful of times. It was a very rare occassion indeed. However, this semester, my final semester, I have not been so lucky. I have two evening classes. Therefore, I am away from the kiddo for two evenings a week and she is asleep by the time I get home. Meaning, there are two nights a week where I am not putting my child to sleep. Meaning, there are two nights a week when my child is as sad as sad can be because I am leaving. Meaning, there are (at least) two nights a week where I feel like a bad mother. I feel so bad for the poor babysitter who more often than not is left with a grief-stricken child with tears streaming down her face.


After the first couple of weeks I just had to leave my mommy guilt at the door. Why? Because carrying it around with me to, during, and from class would be absolute torture. Because it would not change a thing (hello, required courses). Because she can count on the fact that I will always be there when she wakes up, be it in the middle of the night or the next morning. Because the end is in sight. Because the world will not end.

Big Plans.

The three most major things planned for 2011:

1. law school graduation
2. taking (and passing) the bar 
3. moving to Portland, OR (!!!)

So excited.

Successfully.

A few years back when I was starting the ball rolling with this whole law school thing, I told myself that I was just going to be focused on getting accepted to a school and worry about the logistics of it later. Then I  actually got into law school and had a panic attack where I was completely overwhelmed and convinced that I had bitten of more than I can chew. Who in their right mind moves to a brand new city with no job and no support network to start graduate school full-time with a toddler in tow? How in the world was I going to do this? I blogged about it and a friend commented with one word that has stuck with me over the past three years -  "successfully".

The end is in sight. Now it is time to start thinking about the next step. AB will soon be 5 years old and graduating from Pre-K, ready for the next adventure. I have proven to myself that motherhood really does suit me. It's not a fluke. I'm a good mom. I've got a great kid. She is better for my having taken this gigantic risk even though I have stumbled a lot. But all in all come next May when I have my diploma in one hand and my smiling girl in the other, I know that I will have completed this journey.

Successfully.